BREAKING NEWS

God to Release Holy Bible 2.0 in an Effort to Clear Up All the Confusion

“The first Bible was my difficult first album. I didn’t really know what I was doing.”

Image by Mystic Art Design from Pixabay. Filtered using Canva.

After many years of resting on his laurels, God is set to release a long-awaited sequel to the Bible. Set to be titled Holy Bible 2.0, it is intended to clear up much of the confusion surrounding the first version.

Today, he released the following statement through his publicist:

“It might seem like I’ve been waiting a long time to release an update. But a few thousand years isn’t much to an infinite supreme being like me. However, there comes the point where enough is enough. You lot have had long enough to get to grips with all this, and you keep on messing things up. What the hell is wrong with you?”

The new Bible will be worded in much clearer language to avoid confusion and misinterpretation. It will also be more up-to-date with the needs of modern humans.

For example, there will be a new set of 10 Commandments:

1. Don’t kill people. It’s that simple. Got it? Okay, maybe it’s not quite that simple yet, as you might have to defend yourself against someone else trying to kill you. But this is precisely why it’s so important for everyone to obey the rules. If nobody tries to kill each other, nobody will have to kill anyone in self-defence.
2. Don’t torture people. Even if you really need to get information out of them. Even if you think it’s for the greater good because they did something wrong. Two wrongs don’t make a right, so just bloody well stop it, okay?
3. Don’t invade other countries. Yes, I’m talking to you, Putin. Behave yourself, or I will send you to Hell, where Hitler will rape you in the ass while Satan burns your eyes out.
4. Being gay is fine. Do whatever you want in private. Or out in the open if there’s definitely nobody else around. Despite what many people have said, I really don’t care. There are enough humans already anyway, so if some people want to have sex with others of the same sex, it really doesn’t matter.
5. Contraception is fine for the same reasons as the gay thing…