BREAKING NEWS
God to Release Holy Bible 2.0 in an Effort to Clear Up All the Confusion
“The first Bible was my difficult first album. I didn’t really know what I was doing.”
After many years of resting on his laurels, God is set to release a long-awaited sequel to the Bible. Set to be titled Holy Bible 2.0, it is intended to clear up much of the confusion surrounding the first version.
Today, he released the following statement through his publicist:
“It might seem like I’ve been waiting a long time to release an update. But a few thousand years isn’t much to an infinite supreme being like me. However, there comes the point where enough is enough. You lot have had long enough to get to grips with all this, and you keep on messing things up. What the hell is wrong with you?”
The new Bible will be worded in much clearer language to avoid confusion and misinterpretation. It will also be more up-to-date with the needs of modern humans.
For example, there will be a new set of 10 Commandments:
- Don’t kill people. It’s that simple. Got it? Okay, maybe it’s not quite that simple yet, as you might have to defend yourself against someone else trying to kill you. But this is precisely why…
