I Hope You Die in Your Sleep

Because it’s the least painful way to die

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We’re all going to die. It’s the one thing that’s 100% guaranteed to happen to all of us eventually.

So, “I hope you die peacefully in your sleep” is actually a nice thing to say to somebody. It means you don’t want them to die in an absurd and painful way. For example:

• Being force-fed cheese sauce that’s been left out of the fridge for a week until you vomit and choke to death on your own cheesy vomit.
• Being chased by an angry, shouting naked man with an axe until you accidentally run out in front of a car. The car suddenly brakes, causing a motorcyclist to crash into the back of the car and then fly head-first into your face.
• Being told by someone, “There is a naked woman on the roof. Go up and have a look.” So, you climb up onto the roof, but they were lying; there is no naked woman there. Then the roof collapses, and you land in a bath of acid.
• Having leg extensions fitted so you can have arguments with giraffes (“No, Mr Giraffe, you are wrong. We shouldn’t send all fat people to live on an island. That would be evil. So shut up!”), but then falling over onto a trampoline, bouncing up into the air, and being shot by an angry, shouting naked man. You survive because it was only a pellet gun, and…