I Hope You Die in Your Sleep

Because it’s the least painful way to die

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We’re all going to die. It’s the one thing that’s 100% guaranteed to happen to all of us eventually.

So, “I hope you die peacefully in your sleep” is actually a nice thing to say to somebody. It means you don’t want them to die in an absurd and painful way. For example:

• Being force-fed cheese sauce that’s been left out of the fridge for a week until you vomit and choke to death on your own cheesy vomit.
• Being chased by an angry, shouting naked man with an axe until you accidentally run out in front of a car. The car suddenly brakes, causing a motorcyclist to crash into the back of the car and then fly head-first into your face.
• Being told by someone, “There is a naked woman on the roof. Go up and have a look.” So, you climb up onto the roof, but they were lying; there is no naked woman there. Then the roof collapses, and you land in a bath of acid.
• Having leg extensions fitted so you can have arguments with giraffes (“No, Mr Giraffe, you are wrong. We shouldn’t send all fat people to live on an island. That would be evil. So shut up!”), but then falling over onto a trampoline, bouncing up into the air, and being shot by an angry, shouting naked man. You survive because it was only a pellet gun, and he only got you in the leg. But when trying to run away from him, you slip on some dog poo and fly head-first into a wood chipper.
• You try to hijack a plane, but the other passengers overpower you, tie you to a chair, remove your limbs, and leave you there once the plane has landed, with the song Agadoo playing on repeat as you gradually die.
• Being forced to live in a tiny doll’s house with your leg poking out the upstairs window. A child comes along and kicks you in the face. They have dog poo on their shoe, which causes you to get an infection and die slowly. Everybody laughs. “Fucking idiot, trapped in a doll’s house with poo on your caved-in face.”
• Being in a bus going down a steep street, and the bus driver has died (or was dead already, even though that doesn’t make any sense). You gain control of the bus and bring it to a safe stop. Everyone survives and goes home. But then, as you approach your house…