BARKING AT THE DONKEYS

The Day I Tried to Get Leg Extensions So I Could Argue With Giraffes

This story is absolutely batshit crazy, and you shouldn’t read it. If you do, and you lose your mind, I take no responsibility. But you’re going to read it anyway, though, right? There’s no way back now. You’ve opened the door, and now you’re going to fall through into the abyss.

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I was so damn sick of the giraffes in my neighbourhood, walking around with their tall necks, talking blah blah blah about us humans. Even though I couldn’t hear them because their heads were too far away from me, and they were usually whispering, I could tell. I can lip read.

“YOU JUST WAIT!” I shouted at them with my megaphone. “I WILL SOON BE AS TALL AS YOU, AND I WILL STARE YOU IN THE FACE!”

Of course, they just ignored me, the bastards. They ignore all humans because they think they’re better than us. They swan around like giraffe-sized swans with extra long necks.

Imagine that — if giraffes swam around in lakes like swans.

Imagine if swans had legs that were so long that they were taller than…