Yes, God Hates Fags, But Not the Type You’re Probably Thinking of

Edward John
3 min readAug 1, 2022
Image by 0fjd125gk87 from Pixabay

God hates fags. Some Americans have been shouting about this for years. Particularly the Westboro Baptist Church. They stand around waving signs, so it’s obviously important to them to get rid of the fags.

There is even a website dedicated to it:

Tony Webster from Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Since we know that most websites are true, this is likely to be true as well. After all, it’s well known that God destroys any untrue websites he sees. And he sees most of them because he’s God, and he’s got like a billion eyes or something.

As it clearly says in the Bible in Jason chapter 7, verse 29:

‘God doth hateth the faggeth. Thou shall not put fags in thy mouth, or thou shall die a deadly death of deadness.’

But it turns out that the whole thing has been a total misunderstanding. Because Americans don’t talk proper English like wot we does, they frequently get their words muddled up. For example, they think trousers are pants, jam is jelly, rhubarb is custard, etc.

In normal English, fags means cigarettes. Cigarettes were invented in the early 19th century, and homosexuality was invented some years later. Both were long after the first Europeans settled in America. So you really have no excuse for getting the two confused.

So, it turns out that God doesn’t hate gays at all. In fact, he rather likes them. He doesn’t want to be one himself, but he can see they are lovely people. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with having sexy time with someone with the same genitals as you. It’s all good fun as far as God is concerned.

But smoking, he hates that. With a passion. ‘If you smoke, you’re a fucking idiot,’ says God. Yes, that’s right, God does sometimes swear when he needs to.

As I said previously, God is set to release Holy Bible 2.0 with a new set of ten commandments. I revealed the first six were:

  1. Don’t kill people.
  2. Don’t torture people.
  3. Don’t invade other countries.
  4. Being gay is fine.
Edward John

Winnie the Pooh enthusiast. edwardjohnwritesATgmailDOTcom